This post will be very different from my usual fashion, beauty, or lifestyle write-ups as today is a very sad day that that marks the passing of one of the worst, and yet best years of my life.
This little boy, most of you know him by Jack, I call him my little sonny butt, will never know what he has done for me and how he has impacted my life. Last year on December 14th 2014, I lost my first little guy, no not a child, but my little brother, 9 years younger than me, at the age of 19. He was loved so dearly by each and every one of us and I have learned throughout this long, heart-wrenching journey that we (momma, daddy, Holli, and I) each played a special role and shared a unique bond in Jamie’s life. Through this reflection, I have also learned how my own son has played a role, or better yet a role reversal, in my life that is very rare between a mother and her child.
This past year I have replayed my brother’s life over and over in my head and have watched my daddy, momma, and sister do the same. We often share stories about when we were together and even though they are reflections on a time that we all shared, we each remember and experienced the moment differently. I have come to the realization that each one of us fulfilled a relationship that individually contributed to Jamie’s happiness yet as a whole, made up a huge portion of the light that made him feel complete. He gave us the same comfort and fullness which makes since that in his death a piece of each of us died with him…I am happy to give a piece of my soul as my last gift to my little brother to take to heaven as our love and heart is all we can give him at this point, and believe me, we make sure to send enough love to heaven to last an eternity.
My sister was Jamie’s buddy and best friend. They shared four wheelers, hunting, and baseball/softball as kids and more recently, evening campfires with friends and good music. Up until his death, Jamie and Holli were together pretty much every week. They have so much in common. They are both funny, attractive, hard on the outside but the biggest softies in the family on the inside, and so caring. They were like two peas in a pod playing off of each other when teasing mom, trying to get a rise out of her in the kitchen, while I try to take up for her, all in good fun with laughs and love. Through Holli’s stories, I can see that Jamie was not only her brother, but her best friend.
I, on the other hand, was more like a mini momma to him. When it came to the things that mom and dad weren’t supposed to know about, I would never tell on him, yet I would always steer him in the right direction, keeping an eye as to make sure that he doesn’t enjoy life “too much” if you know what I mean 😉 When he would go through the really tough personal times, I would try to share the wisdom from my own experiences at his age and encourage him to always reach higher.
Daddy was the strong arm that taught bubba how to hunt, fish, playball, and when he grew up, how to be a man. Jamie had recently decided that he wanted to be like daddy and become a plumber. He began working for dad and shadowed him through his business so that he could ultimately be just like dad. Jamie looked up to dad. Daddy IS his hero.
Momma was his rock. Those of his friends know that physically he was a BIG boy (6’4) but only the closest of friends and family know that he was an even BIGGER momma’s boy. I always wondered how it would be once he finally got married….would momma be one of “those” mother in laws that always knows what’s better for her son than his wife because after all…it is her baby? Would she pass down his favorite recipes as a gift to his wife, but really as a gift to him because she wants to make sure that he always gets his favorites…even though it will never be as good as her cooking? We can probably imagine what it would be like to watch Jamie and momma’s relationship unfold through the years…unfortunately we can only imagine.
…and through all of these thoughts and reflections, my mind wonders to my own relationship with my boy and how he has unknowingly calmed my heart in the most darkest days of my life so far. This past year has definitely been the worst, yet it wouldn’t be fair to say that at the same time it was one of the best because it was the first year that God gave me to spend my little boy on this earth.
This was the first time I have experienced a sorrow to the darkest magnitudes yet also experienced such an intimate gift received only through a gaze into these little blue eyes. I wonder if the little guy can feel the sadness fall at my feet and the warming of my heart? Somehow, I feel that even at his young age of one, there is a mutual understanding when a smile comes over his face and a hug breaks the stare. I truly believe his soul was sent to me, hand picked from God, to lift me up and help me to make it through this tough time that I know would be near impossible to bear without the love of my son.