I thought I was too old to discover new things about myself. The “Ah Ha” enlightened moments of my twenties have seemed to fade and the mundane, day to day, monotone routines have taken over in life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, family, and all that I have been blessed with, but the light that once gave me “life highs,” had been snuffed. I have truly missed myself the past couple of years. I used to be fun. I used to be goofy. I used to not care what the world thought. I used to feel extreme highs. I used to be inspired, fearless, strong…but somewhere along the way, life got in the way and the spontaneous, assured woman began to revert back into a lost and searching girl. Am I truly reverting to my high school days? Searching for my identity and life purpose all over again? And this light….it was mine…who took it?
After really stepping back and analyzing my feelings on life, I realized that “the light” was actually a status representing the health of my soul. That need to consume all things positive in life and to experience all that life has to offer to the fullest extent had fallen in darkness and routine had taken over. I noticed myself feeling scared to create, afraid of risks, overly cognitive of my actions for fear of rejection, and quick to jump to negativity as the reason for life’s speed bumps. I began to feel blocked and victimized. Now, a lot of things lead up to this. My brother’s death was a huge turning point, as a fear to live was almost instantaneous, but then there were smaller events that added to the insecurities. A stagnant year in business, the growing pains of a new marriage, the pressure to perform with high marks in my Master’s degree, and the fear of failure as I brought a new life into this world, just to name a very few. For the first time ever, I was afraid. Me…once completely fearless to a fault…now completely terrified. Who had I become? Where was the me that I loved? Who is this new, insecure chick trying so desperately to keep her nose above the water with a smile on her face, wondering if anyone notices and hoping that she is fooling everyone.
I decided that in 2017 that I would embark on a journey. A journey to rediscovery. I sat down and drew up a list of current pressures and immediate changes that I could make to instantly alleviate the situation. A huge issue was time management. Trying to be everything, to everyone, everywhere. This is where the new office space/warehouse came in to play. I needed one place to brainstorm, plan, and see my ideas to fruition. Upon completing my calculations, I learned that this will give me roughly 2 hours back per day (HUGE WIN) and I would actually be able to finish work, at work, allowing me time to spend with family and friends in the evening, as well as enjoy the hobbies that once made me happy. Of course, there is an expense to the warehouse and I will need to work hard to recoup these costs through our online business, but honestly, the instant relief that it brought is worth every penny.
…..While this is all wonderful, the “light problem” was still an issue.
There must be something I am doing differently…are my ideas and views on the world just different now and therefore the light is impossible to attain again? For months in 2016 I thought about this, and THEN, almost as if it had been staring in my face the entire time, it became clear, the light was the spiritual aspect of my soul. I have wrongly prioritized my life and put everything before my relationship with God. Now…..for those of you that sit on the fence, or may not believe…you are probably thinking…”OH MY GOODNESS…..SHE IS A BIBLE THUMPER!” I want to reassure you, I am not trying to push my views or beliefs down your throat, I am merely speaking on the importance of spiritual health to achieve freedom. Wow….I just re-read that and it sounds super powerful, and admittedly, a little crazy, but hear me out. I will use my personal relationship with God as an example, you may view spirituality in a completely different way, and that’s cool too.
First, I found a church that I am excited to attend (Christ City Church). I hate to admit, but honestly, I never REALLY wanted to go to church…EVER. I just forced myself because I thought that it was the “right” thing. When I took the advice of a friend and checked out Christ City Church, I instantly felt a sense of belonging. I began studying along on their daily bible reading series called “The Edible Scroll.” This unique agenda of journaling your “head,” or your current emotional state, before reading the chapter was ingenious! It allowed me to understand where I currently am in the moment, in return, allowing me to openly read the historical text of my religion and relate it back to my current situation. It’s a pretty cool way of studying your faith. I honestly found guidance and answers that had me feeling a sense of security. Now, many will probably say, anyone can find guidance in any text that they manipulate to conform to their current needs. And that is very true, however, I have been told that the Bible is a sacred text, and all my life I have only been able to view it as a book. This new outlook on studying my religion is very refreshing and exhilarating, but even this did not crack the darkness for the light to peer through.
My time management seems to be organized, my love for Christianity has been innovatively reignited, but the light still has yet to break free from its tomb. I had forgotten that there is something so much bigger than life, a purpose so great that our humanity cannot comprehend. There is a need for a personal relationship with your creator. You must always express gratitude for what and who you are, as well as to the one who created your beauty and the good in all living things that surround you. When you experience faith to the fullest extent, all of the other stressors seem to diminish and you are able to live fearless and free. Not to be confused with reckless, but free from worry, free from negativity, free from sadness. When you truly believe in something greater than this world, you have an eternal freedom that surpasses all things tangible, an inner peace that calms you in the storm, and a light that is forever inspiring and yours.
I am only in the beginning phases of my journey, but I can already say that my pursuit of creative risk without fear has returned, my heart is a little lightened, and my longing for relationship is greater than ever. I am able to appreciate the very small beauties that come in a subtle breeze, the feeling of the sun beating down on a beautiful day, or even the taste of the rain on my tongue as it drenches my face. The beauty in the very small moments that we all take for granted.
This is a freedom that can never be taken. One that is yours.