A high is always followed by a low… even a “high on life” situation. I have been experiencing a lot of this over the past 2 years. It has gotten to the point where I feel like I’m spiraling. I feel like I am one of those spinny seedling things that spiral down as they fall from a tree but instead, someone has dropped me off the top of a tall, tall building. I have been falling closer and closer to the ground for the past two years and all of the sudden, this month, as I continued to spiral, I realized that I could see the concrete.
As the concrete becomes ever so clear in my view, there is the sudden realization that I need to brace for impact.
Feeling powerless and hopeless in a litigious situation that has nothing and everything to do with you is life shattering. For those of you who are not up to snuff on the sitch, you can read all about what has been happening to my family over the past two years in these blog posts:
Guns, Attorneys, and Rock & Roll
I have been silent for months, not ready to share, not willing to be vulnerable, not even really understanding how I feel about the cards I have been dealt, or should I say, the cards I picked up.
My husband warned me that his ex-wife would be furious when she found out we were dating. He explained that when he revealed to his ex-wife that he was dating someone in the past, she tried to take him to court to have him punished for his “not so kosher” verbalities during, and shortly after their divorce. He also explained how that situation turned out to be beneficial for him personally because he went to counseling to better himself and to manage his anger over the fact that he felt his child was being removed from his life. He was open and honest with me and while he told me that his ex-wife would be furious, I couldn’t be prepared for the litigious assault that would take place over the coming years.
In the beginning, when he told her we were engaged, I figured that it would all work it out. After all, they had been divorced for nearly the same length of time that they were married. I truly believed that his ex-wife and I would eventually become friends and we would have a happy and healthy co-parenting relationship, just like I do with my ex-husband. I encouraged Greg to offer to do co-parenting counseling, invite her to lunch, apologize for whatever he did to hurt her, and find a way to lower the defenses on all fronts. He obliged and tried all of my suggestions, but I was overlooking and underestimating one important fact, I married a man whose ex-wife is a divorce attorney with unlimited, free legal resources.
And so the battle rages on with no end in site, the only problem is, the battle has become mentally exhausting and is even causing long-term damage to all who are involved. I am so tired and to know that although we have tapped out, although we have raised the white flag, there is nothing that will stop the assault. I am doing everything in my power to protect our three children from her wrath but I find that, through my fight, I am starting to destruct. My children have become witness to the fact I have been left with a weak mind and weary soul. I must do something to recharge my battery and to rebuild a stronger mind so that I can be the leader that my boys need me to be. I must pivot.
The Pivot
I am a 7 on the enneagram. My job and mental make up is to please others, to uplift and inspire. It feels as though my entire life has been in service to others which means I never give myself space or time to “check in on myself.” I seem to always minimize, and at times even invalidate, my own feelings and heartaches. Don’t get me wrong… I am not saying that I am self-sacrificing… but I AM a people pleaser.
Over the past 2 years, I have watched my husband struggle with the situation between he and his ex-wife. It is an every week thing. I have stayed up late listening to him pour his heart out. I have rubbed his back while he has cried. I have picked up extra jobs to help him pay for attorney fees. We have even gotten into some pretty massive arguments over the fact that, “this was not the way our life was supposed to be.” Through it all, one thing remains the same, I am Switzerland in a war that has nothing, yet everything, to do with me. I feel absolutely powerless and know that the only way the war ends is if we divorce, or when our son turns 18. I have been carrying the mental weight for years now, trying to soften the blows for my husband and for my children, but I have come to the point where I need to recharge. I need to be selfish and think of myself. I truly believe that if I don’t, my mental and physical health will be sacrificed to the cause.
This is the second time in my life where I will strip down to nothing and build my life back again. The first time was not voluntary. The first time was when my brother died. As I reflect on that devastating time and what I learned through it all, I know that the only way I can rebuild myself is to voluntary strip to nothing and build myself back up to be stronger and more resilient than ever. Of course, you know me, I always map out a game plan. So here is the scoop.
The Song
The lyrics are words taken straight from my head. This is how I will gauge my progress. My only goal is to listen to this song and feel nothing about it, right now it is my anthem. Every time I listen to it, I just ball my eyes out, but I listen to it daily to gauge where I am. I know the day that I listen to this song and feel nothing, I will have officially picked myself up off the concrete. The past two years I have been making choices and operating with the hope that “maybe just for a moment things will seem alright.” I am ready to take back control. I will not remain powerless.
The Game Plan
“The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why” – Mark Twain
Mental
I am excited to be starting Subconcious Belief and Reiki Healing with Heather Jordan at Sundara Wellness Center. My first 2 hour session is next week so I will be filling all of you in on the experience over on my Instagram stories.
“If you are walking this earth with air in your lungs and blood in your veins, then you have a purpose and an important reason for being here. We all need your unique talents, gifts, and personality to make this world a better place. But you can’t be your best and do the job you were born to do if you are not WELL.” – Heather Jordan
Spiritual
I have a few daily devotionals that I read. I am a very spiritual and unconventional Catholic. In other words, I believe in astrology and birth charts, and that it is all part God’s beautiful design that I recognize as the mystery of life. Maybe I am wrong, but it is just something I have always been attuned to, even as a child.
Every morning I read Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, and Magic Days by Nadine Jane to get in the right head space for the day.
Physical
You all know I have been on a major diet and fitness journey this year. Well I am taking it a huge step forward with Acupuncture. I had a mini session with Jessica Puckett at Sundara Wellness Center this week and WOW! There were certain points that indicated my digestion and gut health are in need of some work. I will also be sharing my experience with her over on Instagram.
I did a GIMap and dietary consultation with Audrey Stimpson and Cody Giovannetti at Sundara and found out that I have a parasite! YES! I SAID PARASITE! Ewww. I will be starting on a supplement journey that will rid my body of this parasite and rebalance my levels.
LOT’S GOING ON and you know I am going to share. So stay tuned, and here’s to mental health and taking back control!
