I often look back at photos and wonder: When did I develop anxious attachment? This question quietly echoes every time I revisit an old memory, especially one where I’m smiling on the outside but unsure on the inside. I had an amazing family. A deep relationship with God. Loving friends. And yet, there was always a quiet ache beneath the surface—like a part of me was still searching for safety, even in the safest of places. After going to therapy I learned that I am not alone—there’s a name for what I am feeling and it has been throughly researched and understood.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory, first developed by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that our earliest relationships—shape how we connect, trust, and relate to others throughout our lives. It’s not about blame. It’s about understanding the emotional blueprints we carry into adulthood.
According to this theory, we develop one of four main attachment styles:
- Secure Attachment: These individuals feel safe in relationships. They’re able to give and receive love easily, and they’re comfortable with both intimacy and independence.
- Anxious Attachment (also known as preoccupied): People with this style often fear abandonment. They crave closeness but worry they’re “too much” or “not enough” for their partners. Emotional ups and downs in relationships can feel overwhelming and all-consuming.
- Avoidant Attachment (also known as dismissive): These individuals value independence to an extreme and may downplay the importance of relationships. They often feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and tend to withdraw when things get too intimate.
- Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized): A mix of both anxious and avoidant tendencies. These individuals may want closeness but also fear it. They often have a history of trauma or emotional inconsistency.
My Experience with Anxious Attachment
For me, anxious attachment didn’t show up as drama—it showed up as emotional hypervigilance.
When I was younger I tended to “read the room” before I even knew what that meant. I became extremely sensitive to tones, expressions, and the space between words. I thought this meant I was “emotionally intelligent,” but I now see that much of it was rooted in fear.
As I became a teenager and began exploring relationships, I didn’t trust that love was consistent, so I constantly tried to earn it. I loved with intensity and fear. I stayed too long. I made myself small. I put others on pedestals while forgetting myself entirely.
Even as I became an adult—starting my career, becoming a mother, running businesses—I carried that wound with me. It showed up in how I sought reassurance, in how I interpreted silence, in the way my heart would race if I sensed emotional distance.
This was my shadow. And now, I know its name. But how did I come to know that I was an anxious attachment? It all came to a head when I realized that Mr. Greg and I didn’t know how to properly communicate. I couldn’t figure out how we both loved each other so much but just couldn’t seem to get on the same page. We just couldn’t get out of our own way. I get it, marriage is hard and we certainly have our ups and downs but there was one overlying theme that I noticed, the more I’d try to talk about my pains and sadness, he seemed to shut down and push away. When this would happen I felt rejected and unloved, even if I was reassured that this wasn’t the case.
Anxious + Avoidant: The Painful Dance
One of the most common and challenging relationship dynamics is when someone with an anxious attachment style, partners with someone who is avoidantly attached. Now, I am not claiming my husband is avoidantly attached because I am not a therapist, I just can’t help but to relate to the way it all plays out (below)
Here’s how it plays out:
- The anxious partner craves closeness, reassurance, and emotional presence.
- The avoidant partner values independence, needs space, and often withdraws when intimacy increases.
- The more one reaches, the more the other pulls away.
- The anxious partner feels rejected. The avoidant partner feels smothered.
- Both partners feel misunderstood and unsafe.
It’s a painful cycle. You end up caught in a push-pull dynamic that feels like love, and may in fact be love, but eventually it turns in to survival. Neither partner is “wrong”—they’re both just reacting from the wounds they have carried with them for decades.
The Good News: Attachment Styles Aren’t Fixed
One of the most empowering things I’ve learned through therapy and reflection is this:
Attachment styles are not life sentences. They are starting points.
Through self-awareness, therapy, and work towards secure relationships, we can move toward a more secure attachment. That’s what I’m doing now.
Therapy has felt like walking back through the rooms of my life—gently examining the beliefs I internalized, the patterns I replayed. I’m learning what safety actually feels like in my body. I’m building trust with myself. I’m discovering that love doesn’t require me to shrink.
And maybe, just maybe, this is why God gave me this burden. So I could finally come home to myself—and help others do the same.
If You Relate, You’re Not Alone
If you’ve ever:
- Felt “too much” in relationships
- Feared being abandoned even when things seem fine
- Confused inconsistency with passion
- Ignored your needs to keep the peace
You may be carrying anxious attachment too. But now you have a name for it. A map. A way forward.
Healing Anxious Attachment: Where Real Love Begins
Healing from anxious attachment begins with recognizing that your longing for connection isn’t a flaw—it’s a response to unmet emotional needs that were very real. It’s not about blaming the past, but about gently rewriting your story in the present.
One of the most important steps is building a secure relationship with yourself. That means learning to soothe your nervous system when it senses danger that isn’t there. Some of the practices that I like:
- Deep Breathing: When I begin feeling my anxious attachment style come up, I take a few breaths, acknowledge the fear, determine the true root of the fear, and remind myself that I have control of my safety and everything is ok.
- Journaling: By journaling I have been able to identify my triggers—what makes me feel panicked or “too much” in relationships? Then I can journal ways to respond to those triggers with empathy and reassurance, not criticism.
- Boundary Setting: The key is not to set boundaries as a wall, but as a way to honor your needs without shame.
- Building Emotionally Safe Groups: Surround yourself with emotionally safe people, including a therapist if possible, who can model secure connection.
- Speak kindly to yourself: I know this sounds woo-woo but it is a real thing. Consciously be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and you are valid in your emotions. Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never feel anxious again—it means your anxiety doesn’t get the final say.
Have you recognized yourself in these words? I’d love to hear your story. Drop a comment — let’s walk this journey together.
Please Note: I always strive to provide accurate and helpful information, but just a quick heads-up—I’m a blogger, not a doctor, lawyer, CPA, or any other kind of certified professional. I’m here to share my experiences and insights, but please make sure to use your own judgment and consult the right professionals when needed.
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